The Climb

Not a huge Miley Cyrus fan, but I do love this song. It’s been one of those songs that have really hit home for me the past few months. Almost makes me cry every time I hear it!

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Never Alone

Love this song.  Lady Antebellum and Jim Brickman.  What an inspirational and comforting song!

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Fiery Darts

I hate days like this.  I hate the days that I feel this drenching loneliness and longing.  Longing for what I’m not sure.  It’s like an emptiness that is impossible to fill no matter what I do.  I know I look to the person I think who can fill it, but he doesn’t.  It seems to be a mystery to him why I get this way.  It’s not only because of recent things because it seems like I get this way sometimes and always have. 

I resent that he can’t see these feelings and try to put them to some sort of rest.  He doesn’t really even try.  I’m not sure he would know how.  I have to give him some credit; not sure I even know how or why I get like this.  Maybe it’s depression.  Maybe I need antidepressents, exercise.  I don’t know.  I just wish I knew where it came from and how I could control it.  It’s on a runaway today and the tears are streaming.  I’m feeling anger at him because I called and he was busy and not talkative and I was.  It is also sadness and questions and everything built up all at once with no place to go and no one to talk about it to. 

I know I have unreal expections.  Why am I so needy?  Why do I feel so needy?  Why can sometimes nothing be done to make me feel better.  The emotions take control and I am lost.  I want to feel calm and happy, but I can’t seem to make myself.  So maybe I’ll just get it all out in this post, be really negative and let it out and maybe it will subside. 

So here’s my things I hate about today, things that make me sad today post.  Maybe later when I cheer up and feel better I’ll read this again and laugh at my drama.  I just need to get it out and away from me so maybe I can look at things more logically and with some perspective.  While it’s all inside of me I can’t see it.  So lets take it out and set it on the table and look at what is going on.

Work – moving offices, not happy about having to commute now.  Really not happy.  Hate boxing things up and moving.  Not looking forward to commuting everyday, especially with winter coming.  Hate the fact that I’m farther away if my kids need me. 

Work – not liking my job.  Bored.  Uninterested.  Slow.  No challenge.  No excitement.  Basically unhappy with my job all the way around and seem to be stuck with it for now.

Husband – mad at him.  Wanted to talk and chat and he was too busy.  Granted he’s at work, but I’m feeling childish and don’t really care.  Compounds on the insecurities I already have about feeling unloved and that I drive him crazy with my neediness.  There are things he could do or so that would make me feel better.  But he never says them.  Never follows the script.  Never says the things I wish he would say.  Why?  Why won’t he say them?  Again maybe some unreal expectations here that I think he should be able to read my mind.  But if you tell someone what you want to hear and what they should say, then really is there any sincerity when they say it.  Basically I just wish he was more emphathic.  I wish he was a better listener.  I wish he really heard me. 

Just a head full of questions, anger, craziness, loneliness, self-doubt, sadness.  It’s complicated.  It never seems to be any one thing, just a compliation of fiery darts and arrows.

That brought to mind some scriptures.
Ephesians 6: 16 “Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.”

Doctrine &Covenants  3: 8 “Yet you should have been faithful; and he would have extended his arm and supported you against all the fiery darts of the adversary; and he would have been with you in every time of trouble.”

I guess this is my answer.  My answer to where these bad negative feelings come from and where I need to look for relief.  I forget faith and what it can do and the power it has.  I am thankful for the tender mercies of the Lord this day.  Thankful He is there and that I am not alone.  How much I have need to remember faith and trust in the Lord and to let that have bigger part in my life.  So many things that I can’t change, or fix, or even deal with sometimes, but  I can remember my prayers are heard and have faith.

2 Samuel 22: 3 “The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour”.

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A Confession and A Process

So, I find out my eternal companion is having a relationship with someone else. It was funny. Well, not funny, but weird, surreal or something. In spite of my blindness I almost wasn’t surprised. To confess I was actually relieved in a way. It was really hard to believe and understand that he just didn’t love me anymore. That just didn’t make sense. I couldn’t accept that. Something inside me knew there was more. So finding out there was someone else was like Oh, okay, well here it is then. Here is something concrete that I can deal with. Not this random, here we are, I don’t love you anymore stuff. Yes, there was that too, but it just all made more sense. Terrible sense. So I get the confession. I even knew who, he didn’t have to tell me. As soon as I knew there was someone else I knew who. Now everything falls into place. Now my head goes through this rewind sequence and views all the signs I haven’t seen the past few months. So at first I am just in shock. But not the freak out lunatic raving kind of shock. (I needed time to get wound up for that). The numb not sure how to react kind of shock.

Now you combine that with the relief that at least something makes sense and here is me, holding him, listening to him talk about what a terrible person he is and why would I want him. He is basically messed up. So I go into mothering mode I guess you could call it. I hold him and talk with him and tell him I can forgive him. Because I know that I can. I can. If he wants forgiveness he can have it. But I am thinking he’s confessing; it is done. They are finished. He doesn’t want to leave me and we can deal with this and try and fix things. It was really that simple in my mind at the time. How naive I was! How simple I thought it could be! Obviously I wasn’t really thinking about the consequences of his confession. I wasn’t out of the dark quite yet, but I didn’t know it then. I wanted to be the forgiving wife. The one he would turn to seeking comfort from his wrong doings. The one who would hold him and listen to him say how sorry he was and begging for forgiveness. Which I would have readily given, and thought I did at that moment. I just didn’t understand then what a PROCESS forgiveness is. Didn’t understand that things may get worse before they get better. Didn’t understand that he wouldn’t beg my forgiveness, and still hasn’t, because he doesn’t feel he deserves it. But still, I would like to be asked.

Is that bad of me? Bad to want to have him come crawling on his hand and knees begging me to forgive him? It paints such a dramatic soap opera script in your head doesn’t it? But one thing I have found out in my life, no one follows the script I have written, and especially not my husband. Maybe someday he will ask. Maybe it won’t matter. Maybe by then we will have strengthened our marriage enough that I won’t feel like he needs to ask and that he will know that I have truly forgiven him. I hope so. I hope that process of forgiveness can take over my heart and change it to where it needs to be.

For me the process isn’t just about my straying husband. Yes, I need to go through forgiveness of what he has done, but I also I to go through it myself. For my part it letting our marriage get to this point. For my part in not being a more loving attentive wife. For not showing him that I love him. For holding anger in my heart towards him and allowing him to think that I didn’t love him anymore. Because when your husband wonders if you really love him anymore, the adversary will work overtime on destroying your relationship. It is a fast sinking ship. Now don’t misunderstand that I blame myself for his affair. He is a big boy. He understood perfectly well what he was getting himself into. He had opportunities to choose differently than he did. But he didn’t and that will be on his head. But…I had part in what happened and not a small one. I have things I need to do and change to have a better marriage. This is hard for me right now. Right now in my “process” I find myself thinking about him and all the things HE needs to do to make our marriage better. I mean he’s the one that really screwed up right? But I have to stop myself and say “Hey you, wait a minute! What about yourself? You can’t make him change. You can’t make him do the things you want him to do. But you can change yourself. You can become a better you. More loving, less selfish.” The only person I can change is myself. Wow. Wish that was easy. Now I really wonder if we’ll make it! Change myself…this will be a much longer journey if I have to change too!

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My Therapy

It is raining today and I’m feeling thoughtful. I’ve been thinking about how I don’t want this blog to be only negative. I don’t want it to just be a whining and complaining tirade about unfaithful husbands. I need to remember the good things I’m learning and have learned. The spiritual strength I have received. The process of forgiveness. I guess what I really want this to be is a sort of story about my journey through all of the “darkness”. I want it to be a testimony of the power of the Savior in our lives and what a great gift the Holy Ghost and personal revelation can be.

I have found writing the other night to be a relief. There seems to have been something about putting my feelings down on paper that is like a purging of bad stuff. I was trying to think of something literary or poetic to make an analogy. Mostly I came up with gross, scarey stuff. :) It’s kind of like when you wash your hands. (I hate having dirty hands). They are dirty and yucky and you just don’t feel right when you have filthy hands. Then you wash them and they are clean and it is a relief and comfort to have clean hands again. That’s what it was like to write the other night. It has felt like some of these bad feelings I have had hanging around in my head and my heart went down the drain. Not that everything is clean and perfect and right again. I think there are still many “washings” to do before I may feel that way again. But I did feel better. More right with myself. More peaceful. So, whether anyone reads this blog ever or not. It seems I need to do this for myself. It seems the Lord was right when I felt the prompting the other day that it would help me and be good for me to write about it.

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“All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience”

“All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” LDS Doctrine & Covenants 122:7. 

And here I am.  Over six months later from my last post.  Reading them again and feeling those emotions all over again in my heart and my head.  Are things better?  Are they worse?  I am trying to reflect on having a life changing experience and where it has brought me.  Maybe it’s too soon to tell.  Maybe it will take weeks, months, even years.  I don’t have any idea.  Some days I can lift my head up and feel hopeful and peaceful and calm.  Other days I am angry.  Other days I am sad.  Many days I am insecure, questioning, depressed.  But I go on about things without explanation of what has happened this past months.  I’m trying to decide whether writing about things will just keep causing me to dwell on them or bring me some peace, some release of all this pent up sadness, frustration… well, there are just to many emotions to list.  I pray a lot about what will help.  I’ve thought some about this blog and whether it might help to write some of my experiences here.  Some place to collect my thoughts.  I have felt inspired, maybe directed, that this would help me.  Maybe I think I am dealing with what has happened, but maybe I’m not.  Maybe this will be a therapy of sorts. 

So, here it goes.  As of the end of this post I was wondering what was going on with my marriage.  I look at these posts now and wonder at my stupidity.  Well maybe not stupidity.  Denial.  Blindness.  Disbelief of what I should have been seeing all along.  He was having an affair.  With a girl from work.  Someone I know.  Not good friends or anything, but I know her.  Now, I know I may be asked to endure many things in my life.  And there are definately worse things that could happen to me or to people I love.  But for some reason I never thought this would be one.  I have since compared it to someone dying.  Losing the sacredness of your marriage bed is a death of sorts.  I would have rather lost a hand or an arm or something that this.  I am still in this wondering phase, although it has lessened, of how can I do this?  How can I go on in this marriage?  It’s funny that I can realize how much I love him and don’t want to lose him, but at the same time not trust him or even want to be around him.  And it’s not because I don’t love him or like him or anything.  It’s just so hard.  The pain is so hard.  He has this whole other secret intimate life that I’m not a part of of and everytime I think of it my heart is broken again.  I’ve discovered that hearts don’t get broken just once, they can be broken over and over again with just thought.  It’s such a conflict of emotions, and even now I know I rambling and flitting from thought to thought as I write.  That’s how my emotions go these days. 

Over the next few posts I will try and summarize the whole…what….experience, event, drama, situation….I don’t even know what to call it.  More appropriately it would be something like “the great darkness” or the “great hole dug out of the earth of my soul”.  Anyway.  For now I did want to leave a poem I wrote early on when it was declared to me that I wasn’t “loved” any more.  Just some prose about my state of mind I guess.  Not really the rhymning sort of poetry.  I guess writing in this way about the “great and terrible blackness’ brings some sort of anguished beauty to something so ugly.  I’ve had these things going on in my head a lot since I found out everything.  Not sure what that means exactly.  Not sure my writings are even very good, but they are from the heart and help me to express myself.

The Tree Stands Alone

The tree stands alone
Against an unrelenting sky
Dying in the dryness

Roots searching
And seeking moisture
Under the cracked and broken earth

Deep down finally finding
A hidden spring

Leaves grow again
And the tree draws strength
From the sweet well below

She has found
Nourishment of her own
And no longer watches for
Gifts from the sky

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Valentine’s Day

Things have calmed down since I last posted.  Well, we’ve agreed to just move on for now and not talk about anything again for awhile.  I guess we’ll see where that goes.  Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  An alright day, but nothing too exciting.  My hubby left for Las Vegas this morning.  I’m so insecure about that.  The whole “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” thing.  That’s just great for a wife with marriage troubles to think about! 

For Valentine’s Day we just went out to lunch.  We didn’t buy each other anything.  I told him I just wanted to go somewhere with him and that’s what we did.  Secretly, even though I tell him not to get me anything, I wish he would.  I wish he’d send me dozens of yellow roses (my favorite if he remembers) and a mushy card or something.  Have I made him unromantic?  Would he like to have a wife that likes those things?  Or is he relieved he doesn’t have to worry about it?  Should I expect more?  Just more confusion.  Just more questioning of everything I do when it comes to him.  In some ways I’m glad he is gone for a week.  I’ve been trying to be so focused and attentive that I feel wore out.  That and just the stress.  When he left this morning I started crying, not necessarily because I would miss him that much, but it struck me what I would feel like if he was really leaving and not coming back.  The fear of it just hit me. 

The more I’ve thought about us and how I feel, I feel more and more sure all the time that I still love him.  He acts like he doesn’t think I should or that I don’t really, but I do.  I think he feels like we’ve fallen out of love and I felt like it was just a time and season kind of thing where we’ve been focused so much on kids and work that we’ve not really concentrated on each other.  And what’s wrong with a comfortable kind of love?  Does he think that with someone else it would be excitement all the time?  I believe that fades with time no matter who you’re with.  Sure I think there’s things you can do to spice things up and keep the spark alive.  I just don’t get what his expectations are.   I don’t understand him.  He doesn’t like my neediness, but when I try to not be needy and just do my own thing he thinks I don’t like him.  It makes me want to scream!

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