Is it possible to experience those two things at the same time? It must be, but I can’t describe how I feel any other way. To give you some background on why I feel this way I have to tell what happened a week ago that turned everything upside down. One of those experiences you have that you never come away from the same again. My husband has been distant lately and I’ve tried to talk to him, but haven’t really gotten him to open up. Monday night last week I was trying to get “intimate” with him and I could tell something was off. I asked him what was wrong and suddenly he was asking me about whether I wouldn’t be happier with someone else and confessing all these feelings and questions he was having about whether he really loved me or not. He basically admitted that he didn’t enjoy being around me much lately or spend time with me. He said I should think about things logically and not so emotionally. I think he actually wanted me to tell him I didn’t love him either and for him to leave.
Did I do that? No of course not. Instead I abandon all pride and beg him not to leave me. Told him that I love him and my whole life revolves around him. He said I didn’t act like it most of the time. Which is true. I get caught up in kids, work, housecleaning, life… and don’t make him a priority. He doesn’t like my neediness so I guess I’ve went too far the other direction and instead of giving in to my need of him I push him away and don’t talk to him hoping he’ll be the one to need me. Don’t know why I do that when he just doesn’t work that way. It gets me nowhere, but I can’t seem to function any other way.
Anyway we have this three hour conversation and talk in which I was upset and crying non-stop. I feel like I gave in to all that he wanted except letting him go. But I’m hurt because I feel like I got nothing in return. No sacrifice from him. No promises that he’ll do things differently. It’s hard to explain because there was so much more in this conversation that I haven’t described, so much more depth. I am upset with myself for not being more independent. I’ve read that being more independent will make them more attracted to you. How to get to be that way? I can’t even see my way to doing it! Basically what it came down to was that he wished he hadn’t said anything and tried to take it all back. How do you take it all back? Its all been said. All those words have been laid out in their awfulness and strewn about inside my head for me to hear them over and over again the past week.
I’m just feeling lost, and lonely and angry. Oh… and needy of course… which he hates. He says he just wants to go back to normal. How can that possible happen? And what if I don’t want it to? Can’t there be something better? If it was bad enough that he was feeling that way why go back? But I feel like my efforts the past week to make things better have gotten absolutely no where. I’ve still got that empty feeling that is still there. Will time fill it up? Will it always be there? Maybe he’s right and I should just give up. I just need something. I need some feeling. I need him to need me. And he doesn’t, and I don’t know if he will. He’s holding everything in his hands and he doesn’t even know it or see it. This past week I’ve questioned myself so much. Questioned whether it’s my fault and if I’m a good wife. Questioned what have I done wrong to make him feel this way. I don’t know even know what direction to take with this. If he continues to feel this way, even though he’s taken it all back, things won’t get better and he’ll end up leaving me in the end.
The thing is I still love him. I know I do and I’ve never questioned that. What I can’t understand is why I can’t have it returned. And while it’s not returned I shrink farther and farther into depression and into myself and become what he despises and what he doesn’t like to spend time with. What a cycle that is! How to break it? I don’t know.
I just needed to vent and get some of these feeling out. If I get them out and written maybe I’ll see them differently and be able to see a direction I should take. Just working some on a poem about trees and roots and droughts and how it relates to how I’m feeling. Hopefully I’ll work it out enough to be brave enough to actually post it. Don’t know when for sure. It still needs some work. It helps though to write and not keep it bottled up inside.