Things have calmed down since I last posted. Well, we’ve agreed to just move on for now and not talk about anything again for awhile. I guess we’ll see where that goes. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. An alright day, but nothing too exciting. My hubby left for Las Vegas this morning. I’m so insecure about that. The whole “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” thing. That’s just great for a wife with marriage troubles to think about!
For Valentine’s Day we just went out to lunch. We didn’t buy each other anything. I told him I just wanted to go somewhere with him and that’s what we did. Secretly, even though I tell him not to get me anything, I wish he would. I wish he’d send me dozens of yellow roses (my favorite if he remembers) and a mushy card or something. Have I made him unromantic? Would he like to have a wife that likes those things? Or is he relieved he doesn’t have to worry about it? Should I expect more? Just more confusion. Just more questioning of everything I do when it comes to him. In some ways I’m glad he is gone for a week. I’ve been trying to be so focused and attentive that I feel wore out. That and just the stress. When he left this morning I started crying, not necessarily because I would miss him that much, but it struck me what I would feel like if he was really leaving and not coming back. The fear of it just hit me.
The more I’ve thought about us and how I feel, I feel more and more sure all the time that I still love him. He acts like he doesn’t think I should or that I don’t really, but I do. I think he feels like we’ve fallen out of love and I felt like it was just a time and season kind of thing where we’ve been focused so much on kids and work that we’ve not really concentrated on each other. And what’s wrong with a comfortable kind of love? Does he think that with someone else it would be excitement all the time? I believe that fades with time no matter who you’re with. Sure I think there’s things you can do to spice things up and keep the spark alive. I just don’t get what his expectations are. I don’t understand him. He doesn’t like my neediness, but when I try to not be needy and just do my own thing he thinks I don’t like him. It makes me want to scream!