“All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience”

“All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” LDS Doctrine & Covenants 122:7. 

And here I am.  Over six months later from my last post.  Reading them again and feeling those emotions all over again in my heart and my head.  Are things better?  Are they worse?  I am trying to reflect on having a life changing experience and where it has brought me.  Maybe it’s too soon to tell.  Maybe it will take weeks, months, even years.  I don’t have any idea.  Some days I can lift my head up and feel hopeful and peaceful and calm.  Other days I am angry.  Other days I am sad.  Many days I am insecure, questioning, depressed.  But I go on about things without explanation of what has happened this past months.  I’m trying to decide whether writing about things will just keep causing me to dwell on them or bring me some peace, some release of all this pent up sadness, frustration… well, there are just to many emotions to list.  I pray a lot about what will help.  I’ve thought some about this blog and whether it might help to write some of my experiences here.  Some place to collect my thoughts.  I have felt inspired, maybe directed, that this would help me.  Maybe I think I am dealing with what has happened, but maybe I’m not.  Maybe this will be a therapy of sorts. 

So, here it goes.  As of the end of this post I was wondering what was going on with my marriage.  I look at these posts now and wonder at my stupidity.  Well maybe not stupidity.  Denial.  Blindness.  Disbelief of what I should have been seeing all along.  He was having an affair.  With a girl from work.  Someone I know.  Not good friends or anything, but I know her.  Now, I know I may be asked to endure many things in my life.  And there are definately worse things that could happen to me or to people I love.  But for some reason I never thought this would be one.  I have since compared it to someone dying.  Losing the sacredness of your marriage bed is a death of sorts.  I would have rather lost a hand or an arm or something that this.  I am still in this wondering phase, although it has lessened, of how can I do this?  How can I go on in this marriage?  It’s funny that I can realize how much I love him and don’t want to lose him, but at the same time not trust him or even want to be around him.  And it’s not because I don’t love him or like him or anything.  It’s just so hard.  The pain is so hard.  He has this whole other secret intimate life that I’m not a part of of and everytime I think of it my heart is broken again.  I’ve discovered that hearts don’t get broken just once, they can be broken over and over again with just thought.  It’s such a conflict of emotions, and even now I know I rambling and flitting from thought to thought as I write.  That’s how my emotions go these days. 

Over the next few posts I will try and summarize the whole…what….experience, event, drama, situation….I don’t even know what to call it.  More appropriately it would be something like “the great darkness” or the “great hole dug out of the earth of my soul”.  Anyway.  For now I did want to leave a poem I wrote early on when it was declared to me that I wasn’t “loved” any more.  Just some prose about my state of mind I guess.  Not really the rhymning sort of poetry.  I guess writing in this way about the “great and terrible blackness’ brings some sort of anguished beauty to something so ugly.  I’ve had these things going on in my head a lot since I found out everything.  Not sure what that means exactly.  Not sure my writings are even very good, but they are from the heart and help me to express myself.

The Tree Stands Alone

The tree stands alone
Against an unrelenting sky
Dying in the dryness

Roots searching
And seeking moisture
Under the cracked and broken earth

Deep down finally finding
A hidden spring

Leaves grow again
And the tree draws strength
From the sweet well below

She has found
Nourishment of her own
And no longer watches for
Gifts from the sky

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About tace70

I am a working mom living in Idaho with my husband, three kids, three big dogs, and three cats.
This entry was posted in Poetry, The "Affair" and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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