So, I find out my eternal companion is having a relationship with someone else. It was funny. Well, not funny, but weird, surreal or something. In spite of my blindness I almost wasn’t surprised. To confess I was actually relieved in a way. It was really hard to believe and understand that he just didn’t love me anymore. That just didn’t make sense. I couldn’t accept that. Something inside me knew there was more. So finding out there was someone else was like Oh, okay, well here it is then. Here is something concrete that I can deal with. Not this random, here we are, I don’t love you anymore stuff. Yes, there was that too, but it just all made more sense. Terrible sense. So I get the confession. I even knew who, he didn’t have to tell me. As soon as I knew there was someone else I knew who. Now everything falls into place. Now my head goes through this rewind sequence and views all the signs I haven’t seen the past few months. So at first I am just in shock. But not the freak out lunatic raving kind of shock. (I needed time to get wound up for that). The numb not sure how to react kind of shock.
Now you combine that with the relief that at least something makes sense and here is me, holding him, listening to him talk about what a terrible person he is and why would I want him. He is basically messed up. So I go into mothering mode I guess you could call it. I hold him and talk with him and tell him I can forgive him. Because I know that I can. I can. If he wants forgiveness he can have it. But I am thinking he’s confessing; it is done. They are finished. He doesn’t want to leave me and we can deal with this and try and fix things. It was really that simple in my mind at the time. How naive I was! How simple I thought it could be! Obviously I wasn’t really thinking about the consequences of his confession. I wasn’t out of the dark quite yet, but I didn’t know it then. I wanted to be the forgiving wife. The one he would turn to seeking comfort from his wrong doings. The one who would hold him and listen to him say how sorry he was and begging for forgiveness. Which I would have readily given, and thought I did at that moment. I just didn’t understand then what a PROCESS forgiveness is. Didn’t understand that things may get worse before they get better. Didn’t understand that he wouldn’t beg my forgiveness, and still hasn’t, because he doesn’t feel he deserves it. But still, I would like to be asked.
Is that bad of me? Bad to want to have him come crawling on his hand and knees begging me to forgive him? It paints such a dramatic soap opera script in your head doesn’t it? But one thing I have found out in my life, no one follows the script I have written, and especially not my husband. Maybe someday he will ask. Maybe it won’t matter. Maybe by then we will have strengthened our marriage enough that I won’t feel like he needs to ask and that he will know that I have truly forgiven him. I hope so. I hope that process of forgiveness can take over my heart and change it to where it needs to be.
For me the process isn’t just about my straying husband. Yes, I need to go through forgiveness of what he has done, but I also I to go through it myself. For my part it letting our marriage get to this point. For my part in not being a more loving attentive wife. For not showing him that I love him. For holding anger in my heart towards him and allowing him to think that I didn’t love him anymore. Because when your husband wonders if you really love him anymore, the adversary will work overtime on destroying your relationship. It is a fast sinking ship. Now don’t misunderstand that I blame myself for his affair. He is a big boy. He understood perfectly well what he was getting himself into. He had opportunities to choose differently than he did. But he didn’t and that will be on his head. But…I had part in what happened and not a small one. I have things I need to do and change to have a better marriage. This is hard for me right now. Right now in my “process” I find myself thinking about him and all the things HE needs to do to make our marriage better. I mean he’s the one that really screwed up right? But I have to stop myself and say “Hey you, wait a minute! What about yourself? You can’t make him change. You can’t make him do the things you want him to do. But you can change yourself. You can become a better you. More loving, less selfish.” The only person I can change is myself. Wow. Wish that was easy. Now I really wonder if we’ll make it! Change myself…this will be a much longer journey if I have to change too!