I hate days like this. I hate the days that I feel this drenching loneliness and longing. Longing for what I’m not sure. It’s like an emptiness that is impossible to fill no matter what I do. I know I look to the person I think who can fill it, but he doesn’t. It seems to be a mystery to him why I get this way. It’s not only because of recent things because it seems like I get this way sometimes and always have.
I resent that he can’t see these feelings and try to put them to some sort of rest. He doesn’t really even try. I’m not sure he would know how. I have to give him some credit; not sure I even know how or why I get like this. Maybe it’s depression. Maybe I need antidepressents, exercise. I don’t know. I just wish I knew where it came from and how I could control it. It’s on a runaway today and the tears are streaming. I’m feeling anger at him because I called and he was busy and not talkative and I was. It is also sadness and questions and everything built up all at once with no place to go and no one to talk about it to.
I know I have unreal expections. Why am I so needy? Why do I feel so needy? Why can sometimes nothing be done to make me feel better. The emotions take control and I am lost. I want to feel calm and happy, but I can’t seem to make myself. So maybe I’ll just get it all out in this post, be really negative and let it out and maybe it will subside.
So here’s my things I hate about today, things that make me sad today post. Maybe later when I cheer up and feel better I’ll read this again and laugh at my drama. I just need to get it out and away from me so maybe I can look at things more logically and with some perspective. While it’s all inside of me I can’t see it. So lets take it out and set it on the table and look at what is going on.
Work – moving offices, not happy about having to commute now. Really not happy. Hate boxing things up and moving. Not looking forward to commuting everyday, especially with winter coming. Hate the fact that I’m farther away if my kids need me.
Work – not liking my job. Bored. Uninterested. Slow. No challenge. No excitement. Basically unhappy with my job all the way around and seem to be stuck with it for now.
Husband – mad at him. Wanted to talk and chat and he was too busy. Granted he’s at work, but I’m feeling childish and don’t really care. Compounds on the insecurities I already have about feeling unloved and that I drive him crazy with my neediness. There are things he could do or so that would make me feel better. But he never says them. Never follows the script. Never says the things I wish he would say. Why? Why won’t he say them? Again maybe some unreal expectations here that I think he should be able to read my mind. But if you tell someone what you want to hear and what they should say, then really is there any sincerity when they say it. Basically I just wish he was more emphathic. I wish he was a better listener. I wish he really heard me.
Just a head full of questions, anger, craziness, loneliness, self-doubt, sadness. It’s complicated. It never seems to be any one thing, just a compliation of fiery darts and arrows.
That brought to mind some scriptures.
Ephesians 6: 16 “Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.”
Doctrine &Covenants 3: 8 “Yet you should have been faithful; and he would have extended his arm and supported you against all the fiery darts of the adversary; and he would have been with you in every time of trouble.”
I guess this is my answer. My answer to where these bad negative feelings come from and where I need to look for relief. I forget faith and what it can do and the power it has. I am thankful for the tender mercies of the Lord this day. Thankful He is there and that I am not alone. How much I have need to remember faith and trust in the Lord and to let that have bigger part in my life. So many things that I can’t change, or fix, or even deal with sometimes, but I can remember my prayers are heard and have faith.
2 Samuel 22: 3 “The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour”.